July 20, 2010

A little "down" lately...

I am feeling a little out of the loop tonight. Not sure why. Still just in a "down" mood. Maybe it's because I've been cooped up in my house for 3 days straight now. I need to get out. Maybe tomorrow DJ & I will go to the park or something. He can't like being stuck in the house all day, everyday either. I wish we had a fenced in yard for him to play in.

I am counting down until Donald gets home. We still have some time to go, and I am sooooooo ready for this deployment to be over. So thankful this is his last one for 3 years. I'm over it all and feel like I'm at a breaking point half the time over the smallest things. It will be so nice to have him home again. I know DJ misses him as well.

Well it is after midnight and I need sleep. It's not coming so easily tonight. I've been having problems sleeping again. Ever since I got back from my trip on Wednesday I have been sleeping on the couch. I can't sleep in my bed. I go through this every deployment. It feels so strange to sleep in the bed without him. Half the time I don't get to sleep for awhile. I just lay there. Atleast on the couch I can hear DJ when he wakes up in the morning, a little easier.

Well I am off to my couch. Hopefully DJ sleeps in, in the morning. Mommy here, could use it.

July 18, 2010


I am feeling a little down tonight. My reason you may ask? I wish I didn't care so much about what people thought, especially about myself. I have always been this way (well as far as I can remember), and I don't think I will ever change. Maybe it has to do with how much I was picked on in school for my looks? I don't know. I have always been very self conscious about the way I look. Some people just roll their eyes if I say this, but they just don't understand. Not everyone who is on the thinner side is comfortable with their body. Everyone has their insecurities about things. What brought this to my mind you may be wondering.. Well a friend posted pictures of them going to the springs and having fun. I could never do that. I wouldn't wear a bathing suit out in public. I can't stand the way I look in one. I have been teased my entire life about how pale I am. Then again about being so thin I look anorexic. Even friends joke about it randomly. Growing up and having people (family included) point these things about you out and teasing you about it can really have an impact your life. I've grown up thinking these were flaws. And as much as I defend myself by little sayings about looking younger when I'm older because I didn't tan..etc. It doesn't help. It's all a front. The teasing still bothers me and makes me even more insecure about it all. Anyone every wonder why I tend to dress a little more conservative, not wear shorts, or even short dresses?.. There's your answer.

Yes, I know I will eventually have to get over my insecurities, but I don't see it happening anytime soon. As much as I try they are still there. And it still hurts anytime someone makes a "harmless" joke about how pale I am.